[00:00:05] Today we have a very special guest. She is an award-winning children's author, speaker, educator turned storyteller, and just a complete joy to be around. Julia Cook, the creator of My Mouth is a Volcano and Wilma Jean the Worry Machine, has spent her career creating books that help kids navigate their big emotions and life challenges.
[00:00:28] In this episode, we talk about the importance of self-regulation and how we as adults can help our young people with that process. There are a lot of gems in this episode that I don't want you to miss. With that being said, you might want to look at the YouTube video for this episode because Julia shares some really good visual aids as she shares with us some tips about self-regulation.
[00:00:55] So at some point, you might want to look at the video to tie everything together. Well, with that being said, let's go ahead and get started and get into the show. Hello everyone, welcome to School After Hours podcast where we talk about all things related to out-of-school time programming and education. I am your host, J. Lee, and we have the wonderful Julia Cook here with us. She is an award-winning children's author, she's a speaker, she's a mom, she's a wife.
[00:01:24] She does a lot of things. And she's just also just an amazing person with a great heart. And I'm so happy to have you on, Julia, with us today. Say hello to the people. I'm a grandma too, and that's my favorite. That's one of my favorites right there. Congratulations! So, I'm called a yuppie, not a grandma. So, I feel like that better. Okay.
[00:01:50] Well, Julia, it is amazing and it's such a joy to have you here with us today. So, I've said a little bit about you, but for the people that may not came across or may have not come across your great work, go ahead and share a little bit about yourself so they get to know you a little better. So, I am a former middle school teacher, preschool teacher, turned elementary school counselor, turned children's author of great people skill books.
[00:02:18] So, when you read the book to the kid, if a kid in the book has an issue and your child has the same issue, if your child does what the kid in the book does, they solve their problem. And I know that's right. And just based on the wonderful story that you shared with us in Tell Us Your Story, I know that it's heartwarming to hear that your book has touched so many children and so many adults to the point where they say, you know, this book helped me. You don't know how much this book helped me. And I know it was great for that kid to be like, you wrote it?
[00:02:48] Oh my gosh! That was just the light of their world that day. Yeah, I mean, I never imagined. And a matter of fact, my husband, he said, if you pick, like I said, if you publish it, scratch, scratch, scratch, I'll eat my shorts. So, he came home from work and there was his plate with his shorts on it and a knife and a fork and a spoon and a big sign that says, I did it. And then I went and used that advance and bought me a couch. Yeah, I never even imagined.
[00:03:16] I mean, My Mouth is a Volcano sold a million copies. It has a New York City play after it that goes to schools. It, you know, that phrase, My Mouth is a Volcano is interrupting kind of everybody knows it. And so people say, what do you write? I said, well, my mouth is a volcano. Oh, and now they're saying, oh, I read that when I was a kid. And I'm thinking, yes, I'm old. I know. I'm medium well. I know. But.
[00:03:46] So, being that you have a background and not just being an author, but you have a background in education and counseling and in teaching. And one thing that I want to dive into in this conversation is talking about self-management, especially when it comes to your bigger emotions. Right.
[00:04:03] And I know that in the state of education where we are now, we're having our children come back and, you know, re rethink about the space in which they're using, but how they help their children with their big emotions as we're trying to educate. So, the question that I have for you is, when we think about big emotions, why is self-management important for kids to learn?
[00:04:29] And how do you find ways to share self-management tips with just the kids and teachers through your stories? Okay. Well, the first thing we want to make sure the kids know is, you know, there's four basic human emotions. There's sadness that helps us get through things that are hard. And there's joy that helps us enjoy our world and have good, happy thoughts.
[00:05:00] There's worry. And that emotion helps us get through things that, that are planned for things that might happen. So we're ready for them. And then there's anger. And our anger's job is to protect us. It, it, when some, when we get angry, it's to protect us from the situation. And it also teaches us that there must be a better way. So the first thing you do is you show kids that every emotion has a reason and a need.
[00:05:29] And if they fit inside of you, then everything is okay. But sometimes our emotions start to grow and they get big. And, you know, you try to fit them in and the whole inside of you gets so crowded because there's not enough room and that makes it uncomfortable.
[00:05:54] And then I blow up a big balloon and I say, and sometimes they're so big that nothing else fits except for that emotion. So we have to find creative ways to help them release the size of those emotions so that they can stay inside of us. Because if they come out, we just never know where they're going to land. And then I let the balloon go and it just goes everywhere.
[00:06:21] So, you know, when it comes to emotions, everybody has big emotions. I have this little cookie bites sheet right here. And every big emotion has a story with an unmet need. And if your emotions get too big, they try to boss you around. And the goal is to be the boss of your emotions. And then you can learn to be the boss of your emotions. So there's a lot of different ways. We kind of think of kids in three levels, actually humans in three levels.
[00:06:50] And this is a functional level here. And this is when we bounce out of a out of control emotion. And then underneath is like the reptilian stage where we're just breathing in and out. And when you bounce out, you have to circle through that breathing in and out stage and collect yourself before you can function again. That's a lot of time out of class. What we hope to do is give kids tools to stay in here.
[00:07:16] You know, lots of times we try to un-anger a child. That is their anger and they have a reason for it. You can't un-anger a child. What you can do is give them a place to put that anger where they have to follow three rules. There are three rules for anger. If you want to be the boss of your anger, remember these three rules. You cannot hurt yourself. You cannot hurt others. And you cannot hurt things.
[00:07:44] But you can do whatever you want to this pillow. This is your anger pillow. You just take it out on your anger pillow. And you give them some kind of a release. And when they feel they're getting hot, when they feel their ears are hot, you know, first thing they can do is to practice two-four breathing. Deep breath as you count to two. Breathe out and count to four.
[00:08:10] Breathe in as much air as you can and breathe out even more. Just that deep breathing is going to kind of clear their head a little bit. Okay? Also, if you give them a focus squishy that they can squeeze their emotions into it, that's this little book called Awesome Dawson Has Big Emotions. And he has a little focus squishy that he squeezes his emotions and they hold the emotions for him.
[00:08:39] And it actually, instead of going and pouncing all over his friend, he squeezes his happy energy into his little squishy. And then he takes a deep breath and goes and says hello. So, it gives them a place to put their emotions. Mm-hmm. And anything that is, show me an example that's concrete that I can see and that I can feel. Okay?
[00:09:03] And, you know, like, I know this is a little bit off topic, but it's important that kids sometimes like to talk when you're talking to them. Now, I tell them, pretend you have a little racetrack sitting on your tongue. It goes all the way back to your brain. Every time you talk, a little tiny race car drives out of your mouth. And every time your teacher talks to you, a little tiny race car drives into your head. Now, if you talk when the teacher talks, what happens to those race cars?
[00:09:33] They smash. Mm-hmm. And so, when the teacher talks, it's so important to be all in where your ears are big and your mouth are closed and your eyes open so that you can get stuff in there the first time. And then I pour stuff out, colored water, and I say, we want you to be the quicker picker-upper and absorb all the water into the paper towel. See, look, it's in there. You don't have to worry about it. If you're talking when the teacher's talking, I pour more water out.
[00:10:03] That's kind of like you are wiping this up with a piece of plastic. Nothing goes in your head. So, when it comes to big emotions, when kids know that their emotions have a job, maybe their anxiety is so huge. You grab a glass, you put some ice cream in it, and you get some root beer. And you say, you know what? Everything in your world is this ice cream. This root beer here, this is anxiety. Just like a root beer float.
[00:10:32] Every root beer float needs a little bit of root beer. Your life needs anxiety. Anxiety helps you plan for things that might happen. You know, when you're going to take a test, test anxiety is your best friend. But if you have too much, it makes a mess. And then they can create in their brain a visual of what you're trying to talk about and relate it to some concept that you're really trying to do. Mm-hmm. Very true. Very true. Well, that's a good place for us to pause and take a quick break.
[00:11:01] Well, everybody, do not go too far. We're going to finish up this conversation. This is your moment to go ahead, get a snack, get a drink, stretch your legs, do all the wonderful things. But do not go too far because we'll be right back. See you soon. Are you a program director or thinking of starting a program? Maybe you need new curriculum that focuses on character development or technical skills. Maybe you need help establishing effective program logistics to have an impactful program culture.
[00:11:28] Or, overall, you just need a program evaluation. Well, School After Hours Consulting is here to help. Contact us at schoolafterhours.com and our contact information is in the show notes. Hope to hear from you soon. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the show. I have Miss Julia Cook here with us. Wonderful children's author, award-winning speaker, mom, wife, grandma.
[00:11:57] My mom would say Nana. Love you. Love you. Love the things. Here with us talking about helping our children with managing their emotions, especially their big emotions. So, Julia, we left off at teaching educators, but also teaching children, you know, certain techniques to use when they're feeling and when they're experiencing those big emotions, right?
[00:12:22] So, my next question for you is, why is self-management important for kids to learn? And how do you find ways to share that with them? Well, you can't survive in our world if you can't control your own actions in places. Mm-hmm. Because society just expects you to behave.
[00:12:49] And so, you know, it is so important for teachers to come across to kids in a way that they feel seen, heard, and validated when they come into their classroom. Mm-hmm. Because self-management is just that. First of all, there has to be modeling of expectations, but then there's what's in it for me tattooed to the forehead of every kid. So, why is it important that I don't lose my cool?
[00:13:18] Why is it important that I don't cry all the time? Why is it important that I worry, you know? And you never say to a kid, I know how you feel. A kid needs internal validation. You say, I can only imagine how scared you must be feeling. So, then you see me, you hear me, and now I feel validated. Mm-hmm. So, this is a safe place where I can be myself and I'm allowed to get reset when I bounce out.
[00:13:48] Because emotional control is something that you learn by doing and you learn by watching and you learn by practicing. And many of our kids, if you're on the spectrum, you don't learn by watching other people. You learn specifically about what people teach you directly. And that's why storybooks are so powerful. Because the storybook, the ones that I try to write, are in first person.
[00:14:15] And if the kid sees themselves in the book, and they do what the kid in the book does, they become socially successful all by themselves. Because the books are based on research. And, you know, I feel like that. I see why he did that. I understand that. And they're fun. So, then you incorporate joy with learning experience of content.
[00:14:42] But the biggest one is, if you don't control your emotions, this happens. I mean, kids need to understand that they have to grow up and live in a world where people aren't going to love them as much as we do. And when you do good things, good things happen to you. And we choose the other way, then you have consequences. And that's the world we live in.
[00:15:04] So, if they can learn that in a safe space where they are cared about and allowed to have resets and allowed to make mistakes and can watch others if that's how they learn, then that's a winner right there. Right. So, you talk about safe spaces, right? So, how do we begin to create those safe spaces with our youth as a parent?
[00:15:29] How do you begin to create that safe space with your child to let them know that it's okay to make mistakes, right? Because sometimes I feel as though kids feel like they can't make a mistake because they are scared of the consequence. But if you don't make mistakes, depending, like, and that's tricky too. If you don't make mistakes, you do not know always how to do better or make the situation better.
[00:15:58] I don't think I've ever grown in anywhere, shape, place, or form without screwing it up first. Seriously, we learn by making mistakes and figuring out the better way to do it. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, took him over 10,000 tries. Do you realize that he made 9,999 mistakes before he got it right? And so we Google things on technology, things made by mistake.
[00:16:27] Kids find out that popcorn and ice cream and Rice Krispies and all these cool things were made by mistake. And when we make a mistake, it's a chance for a reset. It's a chance to do it better. So when you say I can't do it, the problem that we face is that when kids are online playing a video game, this is the size of their footprint. So they have very big steps to a win.
[00:16:54] And when they get the win, let's say they're playing home run derby video game and they only have to take two steps, push the button two tries to win. To get a real home run and actual home run derby in real life, in softball or baseball, this is the size of their footprint. So they have to work five times harder for the win. But the dopamine reward is five times greater when they physically do it than when they screen time do it.
[00:17:21] But the problem is, you know, kids, it kind of messes up how hard they try. Because they say, oh, I tried my hardest. I can't do it. But if we can balance on screen eyes with off screen eyes, then they're fine. But if the only time they feel like they're good at anything or bad at anything is when they're on a screen, real life's going to tear them up. Mm hmm. So, you know, great people make great mistakes every day.
[00:17:46] And if you can't do something, then you need to use your most incredible power that you have in your head, which is called the power of yet. You can't do it yet. OK. The power of yet. I know that's right. Because it's about changing your mindset, but also the language that you're using. So as adults, how do we help them? Because some kids are really, really hard on themselves when they make mistakes, too. Right.
[00:18:11] So how do we begin to help them in that process of getting up and trying again? Because mistakes need to better. And I mean, you can you can Google with your child things that were made by mistake. Look at all these things we wouldn't have if people didn't mess up. Mm hmm. You know. And then also not only that, but if you do it perfect all the time and you never experience a screw up, then you have no empathy for other people who struggle.
[00:18:39] And when we can teach our kids empathy, how can you know how bad it feels to lose if you've never lost? And you know, there's a video that's really cool. It's called Mama Polar Bear Saves Cub. And it's just this really short little video that and you can Google it on YouTube. The bear falls in the water. And what we want to do is grab it and grab the bear and put him back up on the, you know, so it doesn't drown.
[00:19:09] But the Mama Polar Bear jumps in the water and surrounds her cub and gives him a struggle bond. It's so safe because the little bear, he thinks he can't touch. So he's struggling and struggling, but the Mama secures an area where he really is safe and allows him to struggle in a safe area. And she doesn't touch him. She just talks to him. And then the cool part is right when she knows he's out, the Mama Bear moves down the bank.
[00:19:37] Because if the little bear turns around and sees his Mama behind him, he's going to think that she helped him. But if she's over there, he's going to know he did it by himself. And we need to let our kids use their struggle muscle. That's that muscle in between their ears. Because if you don't let them develop that struggle muscle, they're going to need it sometime and they won't have the coping strategies they need. And that's scary. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely.
[00:20:07] So this leads me to my next question for you is, what are some things in that process that we should be mindful of when helping build their resilience and helping them with their struggle or when they make their mistake? Well, number one thing is that if a kid is tired or hungry, they're not going to think right. Okay. And they're not going to react right.
[00:20:33] And a lot of times when kids have huge emotions, maybe they're hungry, maybe their sugar is low, or maybe they're tired. So first of all, you look at that. Okay. There are some really great strategies for that. If they're forced with a great big problem, you grab a great big bowl and you pour their favorite cereal in the bowl. And you give them a spoon and say, okay, now eat it, eat it all. And they look at you like, what? Eat this whole cake bowl full of cereal. Well, I can't. Why?
[00:21:02] Oh, cause I'll get sick. That's right. Cause you can't digest that much. Right? What if I give you a little bowl of cereal? Can you eat that? Yeah. And then you wait a little bit. Yeah. Eat another bowl. Uh huh. And over time, could you eat the whole box? Well, yeah. That's just like a big problem. When you have a big problem, your brain can't digest it. You can't digest that big problem all at once. You got to break it down. You got to chunk it up into little pieces. And that's a huge strategy.
[00:21:29] And if you show it to them with cereal, they never forget it. So how are we going to take this problem and make it smaller so that you can digest it with your brain? Like your tummy could digest a whole bunch. Okay. Mm-hmm. And then that two, four breathing is huge because when we stress out, first thing we do is take little tiny breaths and it makes our shoulders tight and our brain steals all our oxygen. But breathing into, and breathing out four, relaxes and clears our thought process.
[00:22:00] So there's breathe and then there's brainstorm. And you can, when you brainstorm, it's like you unzip your brain and you pour all the crazy ideas on paper because nothing's crazy because even a crazy idea can lead to a really cool idea. Okay. And then you chunk it up and break it down. And then if you say, I can't, you cross out the T and it says, I can. Right. You say, I can't yet. So you never say, I can't.
[00:22:29] Can't should never be a word. You know, I can't. Mm-hmm. And the other thing is to ask for help, but you never want to ask for help right away. Why not? Why wouldn't you tell a kid to ask for help right away? Because you want them to do all the other things first. Right. The process. Right. And then the last thing is to recharge.
[00:22:52] And so sleep is, if the human brain is deprived of sleep, the first thing you're going to notice is increased levels of irritability. The second thing you start to notice is increased levels of anxiety. Chemically, we become more anxious. And the third thing that happens is increased levels of depression. So, I was talking, my nephew, he was getting online at night and playing video games. And he went from A's to D's in three weeks.
[00:23:21] And his mom says, you don't play video games at night, do you? And she, he goes, no, I don't. But they set a trail camera up in his room and aimed at his keyboard. And that kid was setting his alarm at 2am. And getting up and gaming until 6am. And then going back to bed. So he was losing four hours of sleep. And, you know, he's, he was very, very irritable. And then he got very anxious. What if I can't do it? And then he got depressed. I don't even want to go to school.
[00:23:51] And just started going down the drain in three weeks. And so she showed him the pictures and he started to cry. She said, you lied to me. And he goes, mom, I had to lie. I'm really good. And I'm on a team. And if I don't play on the team, I don't have any friends. I have to play. And so she said, will you make me the big mad meanie then? You tell your friends that I found out you were playing. And I took your game system away and you can't play it at night.
[00:24:20] Because I show kids, I get a bunch of different colored water. And a pink sponge that says brain. And I say, you know, you got social studies, math, and reading, and recess, and all this stuff. And they soak it all up and they're just saturated. And then I said, when you sleep, this is what happens. And I wring out the sponge. I said, you squeeze in all the stuff you need. And you squeeze out all the stuff you don't need. And that's the first sleep cycle.
[00:24:49] But look at the sponge, it's still real dirty. So you sleep some more and it actually rinses out your sponge. And then just before you wake up, you squeeze in everything you need. And you squeeze out everything you don't. And then you come the next day and you have a sponge that's ready to absorb. But if you don't get enough sleep, you have a soggy brain, a soggy sponge. And if you don't rinse it out and clean it, it'll start to stink like a stinky sponge.
[00:25:18] And you won't be able to use it very well. When you show them that concrete visual, it's a game changer. And it's different when you have visuals to see, like you said, compared to trying to mentally think out this concept. Because you have now, I feel like real life experience in that you actually see how the outcomes can not just affect you as an individual, but it can also affect the people around you, right?
[00:25:43] When they can create, when they can connect a concept to something that they know that's concrete, it seals it in. Because then they store it in two places in their brain and they get it. And you're going to all this trouble to explain it with things and it makes it fun. So see it, hear it, feel it, do it, show it to somebody else and explain it. Or explain it to somebody else and relate it to something they already know. I know that's right.
[00:26:09] Well, thank you so much, Julia, for sharing all this wonderful information with us. And before we leave, we're going to go ahead and jump into our Professionals Lounge. Hey everyone, we have made it to our Professionals Lounge section of the show. And we have Julia Cook here with us. So Julia, I have a question for you for Professionals Lounge.
[00:26:32] My question is, are there any resources that you would want to recommend to parents, educators, youth development professionals about some of the things that we talked about when it comes to developing character? But also helping students manage or children manage their big emotions. There's a lot of good books out there for kids that you can read a book and teach a life skill.
[00:26:59] And I put, I have 90 plus titles that are all about different great people skills. And people wanted me to have those resources, record them, you know, read you, the way you read is so fun. But if I read them online, then people don't buy the books. And these books are written with nonprofit publishers. So when you buy the books, you give back to kids. So I thought, well, I'll just launch a website where I have all the read-alouds.
[00:27:28] And you can just listen to me read all the stories. And then I thought, well, all those videos that I showed you with the chunk it up and the all in ears, I put all those videos, those concrete video, visual videos on that site as well. So you can watch them and then you can do those things with your kids. There's a really good one on trust and how trust is a limited commodity. And once you use up your trust, you can't just go get more.
[00:27:56] And so it's all by topic. And so you can like get on the site and search a topic and come up with all kinds of resources on that topic. So we have tips for parents on the topic that you can just copy off and use. And for big emotions, there's a couple of activity sheets. And the activity sheets are very pointed, short, fun to do and worth your time.
[00:28:23] And I think the thing that's going to end, then there's read-alouds about the stories and posters. But the thing that's really going to make a difference is that, you know, there's concrete visuals. So you watch me do something and then you do it with your kids or you think of something better to do with your kids so that you can really hammer in those important messages. We don't have the time to search the content. So I put it all in one place. It's called Cookie Bites by Julia. And that's cookie, B-Y-T-E-S by Julia.com.
[00:28:53] And the price is $5 a month. It's about $10,000 worth of resources on there. But it's $5 a month and you can cancel anytime. So get on, try it. And my hope is that it'll help a lot of people, help a lot of kids. Yes. I completely support it. So if you want that information, I will have that in the show notes so you can have access to it as well.
[00:29:18] And it'll send you to where you need to go to subscribe for your membership and see all the things and use the resources with your young folk. So JuliaCookOnline.com is my website that has all the books. And then you can also buy them on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble too. So, yep. All right. Well, if anyone wants to get in touch with you for speaking engagements, for training, all those wonderful things, how do they get you? Julia.
[00:29:47] Julia at JuliaCookOnline.com. I'm fine. I'd love to. Do you have any social media handles that can follow you on? I do. They're all Julia at JuliaCookOnline. Okay. Okay. We just use that all over because no one stole that one yet. So... We'll enjoy. We always get Julia Child, you know, because she cooks and so... It was funny, but yeah. Well, everyone, that brings us to the end of our show.
[00:30:14] If you liked what you heard and you enjoyed our conversation, make sure that you're following us on YouTube, but also hit that like button so we know what you are enjoying. You can also find us on other podcast platforms like Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Google Podcasts if you want to listen to our audio version as well. To get more behind the scenes stuff, make sure that you're following us on our social media accounts, Instagram and Facebook at School After Hours.
[00:30:43] Well, that's all I have for today. In the words of Mr. Arthur Ashe, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can. Until next time, y'all. Bye-bye.